Here’s what I’ve learned from 40 years of marriage. When my wife and I are doing well, I’m generally happy with the rest of my life. Even when life is hard. I shared with a friend the other day, “When Marlina and I are getting along, it’s like everything is right with the world. But when we’re not, I have a hard time enjoying anything.” Now why is that? Because my spouse is the primary relationship in my life, the person I spend the most time with. So when we’re happy, life is happy.
With that in mind, here’s three things happy couples do every day.
Express Appreciation
One of the primary ways a person feels happy is to be appreciated. To have another person say “Thanks. I appreciate you. You’re a valuable part of my life.” However, the temptation is to take for granted the people closest to us. But think about this. Gratitude that’s not verbalized is experienced by our spouse as ingratitude.
Most times, we do appreciate them, but we fail to verbalize it. As a result, our spouse feels unappreciated, overlooked, even unloved. So it’s critically important to say thank you for something every single day. Even better, express appreciation multiple times throughout the day, for even trivial things.
In our home, one of my jobs is to make coffee every morning. But not just brewing coffee. I mean grinding whole beans, measuring the coffee and water just right, heating the half and half, frothing it, then carefully pouring perfectly brewed coffee into the mug. It’s quite a process. And every morning, Marlina always looks at me and says “Thank you for making coffee!” And guess what I feel? Happy. Appreciated. When Marlina cleans the kitchen (which we both hate) I’m quick to say, “Thanks for cleaning the kitchen. I know that’s no fun.” And what does she feel? Happy. Appreciated. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s relationally huge. So take time to express appreciation to your spouse every day.
Disagree With A Smile
Yes, happily married couples disagree about things every day. Whether it’s simple things like which restaurant to eat at, or bigger things like finances, happily married couples have disagreements all the time. The reality is, conflict is inevitable in any relationship. And it can lead to either intimacy or isolation. It’s how we handle conflict that matters.
When we express our disagreements with a smile, we maintain an all-important positive emotional connection. A smile says “I like you. I care about you. I may disagree with you on this, but it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.” A smile frees your spouse to share their point of view without feeling judged or criticized. This leads to greater intimacy in the relationship. On the other hand, when we frown, or worse yet, use angry words and looks, our spouse feels rejected and unsafe. Understandably they’re defensive or withdraw all together, creating isolation. So smile. Feel free to disagree, without being disagreeable.
Give Each Other Permission To Not Be Okay
Happily married couples give their spouse room to have a bad day. Or week. A healthy spouse is able to say, “It’s okay for you not to be okay.” We don’t take it personally when our spouse is upset about something, even if they're upset with us. We don’t automatically assume we need to fix. Instead we (wait for it…)
Listen.
We create a safe place for them to tell us what they’re feeling, without judging them…or ourselves. We say things that invite dialogue like, “What are you feeling right now?” And when they share, say things like “Tell me more.” Don’t rush to resolve it. And if our spouse doesn’t feel like talking, that’s okay too. Simply practice presence. “I’m here. It’s okay.”
Whatever they share, it’s always healthy to say, “I’m so sorry.” It doesn’t mean it’s our fault. It’s empathizing with our spouse and communicating, “I hear you. I see that you’re hurting.” Happy couples recognize that their spouse is not always gonna be happy…and that’s okay.
So practice these three habits every day and enjoy a happier life.
Bruce is an international keynote speaker and a leading expert on hope and how to find greater meaning in life. He's the award-winning author of Desperate For Hope and Founder of Invest Your Life, a counseling and coaching ministry. You can reach him at www.brucewmartin.com.
Gratitude that’s not verbalized is experienced by our spouse as ingratitude.